The Woman Who Accidently Bore Me.

I'm not even going to get into the title yet. Let's just talk about mom. Yes, I'm 25 and choosing to live in her house since I am financially retarded. Yes, she does many amazing things for me (I'll never go hungry, there is always food being forced upon me). However, there is a dark side, and I'm sure you have your own mothers with their own dark sides. My mom has a specialty in annoyance.

Let's go back. When I had made the decision to move into the basement and renovate it, my mom was a VP at an insurance company, working 10-12 hour days, going out after work and on weekends to restaurants and bars. I was still working part time and getting my masters degree, so I figured, screw moving out. My mother and I had a fabulous schedule, it was practically opposite! We would cross paths at dinner, she would say "Why can't you find a job?" as I said "Goodbye! I am off to the bar!" I decide this is a great setup, I'm moving into the basement let's renovate! As it's getting done, I land a (real) job and two weeks later my mom's forced into retirement thanks to the company being as financially retarded as me, but with much more money.

Within a month my dogs did not recognize me as she decided to become their owner, and that's only the beginning:

- My mother has given up leaving the house other than to get first hand accounts from the neighbors on what they are doing at that precise moment.

-My mother has catch phrases that she says every day, at the same points each day. (i.e. Whenever I tell a dog to move out of my way "Talking to them is like talking to nothing!" ummm...what?)

-My mother is a diet HIJACKER. Despite any of the rotting jars of junk in the fridge, all my "Light" foods will disappear after a week in the fridge. Also, this woman will egg, bread, fry and cheese absolutely ANYTHING. I'm pretty sure she might've made twinkie parmigiana once (for the record, she's Polish and German, NOT Italian).

- My mother watches me eat. It's unsettling.

-My mother, who would wear designer clothing, thousands of dollars of jewelry, and have her hair done every month....has decided tshirts, shorts, gray/blonde hair and men's flip flops are in style for retirement.

- My mother can compete with her Jewish counterparts with the guilt thing. Whenever I call her out on anything that is annoying me, her response is "Well, when I'm dead you won't have to deal with it anymore."

-My mother says innapropriate things at family functions now. She's becoming the crazy relative. She told my cousin: "Your daughter looks so old in her new school picture, that outfit made her look like a hooker." The child is EIGHT YEARS OLD.

-My mother does all my laundry (plus!), places it on drying racks throughout my apartment (minus!), then folds it and piles it on every chair, couch, bed, table she can find (MINUS!). Ever bring anyone home unexpectedly and have to explain piles of clothes covering every entertaining surface in the house?

-My mother is very earth friendly, as she will re-use the plastic hangers from department stores to hang my clothes. I can almost live with that, being slightly hippie, and not really a big hanger fan anyway. What I cannot deal with is said hangers being EVERYWHERE. There's a bucket under the stairs full of them. The hangers appear almost everywhere that a pile of clothing would be. And the worst part? Everyone that comes in my apartment knows what size I wear, or don't wear....because you know there are those times you find the *ahem* medium *cough* on the XL hanger! (DON'T LAUGH.)

- My mother, somehow, thought it could, possibly, be, incredibly, appropriate to offer to change the dressing on my boyfriend's post-surgical wounds. Wouldn't be an issue if the surgery wasn't DOWN THERE.

- SHE. NEVER. LEAVES. THE. HOUSE.

Don't get me wrong, we still have our fun times, but I think we could have more fun if I lived across the country sometimes.