A Few of My Favorite Things Right Now....

Trader Joe's Sea Salt Brownies - When I say that these are phenomenal....I mean these are PHENOMENAL of epic proportions. First off, I HATE walnuts in brownies, whoever decided on that idea was stupid. These brownies are chocolatey, creamy, awesomeness. I'm on container 3 this week. In fact, breakfast consisted of brownies and chocolate milk. Can we guess what time of the month it is?

The Pool - Specifically, sitting by the pool all day. The pool itself doesn't impress me, but it's nice to sit out there and relax. Plus the boyfriend ordered me a HUUUUUUUUUGE raft so I can lay on it and not get any water on me since summer decided it's not going above 79 degrees.

Buzz Video Game - So the boyfriend, in his post-surgical state, decided to buy a PS3 for himself (I get an inflatable raft, the one who takes care of him...). He bought just about every shooter game available for it. Last night, bummed out that Trivia Night at the local bar was canceled and I was once again homebound on a perfect night....we decided to go to Best Buy. As I looked for a game appealing to me, I FIND BUZZ! A GAME SHOW GAME! TRIVIA NIGHT SAVED! Of course, I couldn't really invite my friends over into the post-surgical apartment...but I made a nice Rum & Coke and played the boyfriend (who ass was THOROUGHLY handed to him...OWN3D). Anyway, best thing EVER.

Crate and Barrel - Specifically, their GLASSES.

I bought this glass here to the left. It may LOOK small...but this badass glass holds TWENTY-FIVE OUNCES of anything wet you may desire (RUM AND COKES)! I mean, nothing better for the poolside lounge. One of these glasses and I'm am THOROUGHLY sloshed (OWN3D.....I dunno why I'm writing like this I hate online nerdspeak).

Also, their egg timer is pretty awesome. When I'm feeling gluttonous I'll have an egg-mayo sandwich, and this thing helps me not have soft-boiled or over-boiled eggs.

Captain Morgan's 100 Proof Spiced Rum - Ay Ay Captain! Two ounces this, one can of diet coke = a very good night.

Adult Tricycles - I used to ride a bike, a lot. I would ride 40+ miles rides on my cheapo Target Schwinn. Then I did the Five Borough Bike Tour, and realized I couldn't keep up at all with my friend on his nice Bianchi road bike. I blame his bike for the reason I couldn't keep up, but really, 10% probably belongs to me being overweight. No wait, I take that back, fuck it. He had a $1000 road bike, that's definitely why. So anyway I retired Target bike to a farm upstate, literally, and have been missing riding ever since. Originally I was going to get one of them road bikes...until my friend called me yesterday and asked if I wanted a mothaflippin' TRICYCLE! i could barely contain my excited response: "HELL FUCKING YES I WANT A TRICYCLE!"

Some of you may be confused, but yes, they make tricycles for adults, yes, your grandmother will be jealous, and YES, I WILL BE TRANSPORTING BEER!


Finally, my favorite thing this week is: BENADRYL, without which, I would never have slept a full night with vivid dreams the likes of which are pretty X-Rated. Score! Plus, I think I'm still on a high.

The Woman Who Accidently Bore Me.

I'm not even going to get into the title yet. Let's just talk about mom. Yes, I'm 25 and choosing to live in her house since I am financially retarded. Yes, she does many amazing things for me (I'll never go hungry, there is always food being forced upon me). However, there is a dark side, and I'm sure you have your own mothers with their own dark sides. My mom has a specialty in annoyance.

Let's go back. When I had made the decision to move into the basement and renovate it, my mom was a VP at an insurance company, working 10-12 hour days, going out after work and on weekends to restaurants and bars. I was still working part time and getting my masters degree, so I figured, screw moving out. My mother and I had a fabulous schedule, it was practically opposite! We would cross paths at dinner, she would say "Why can't you find a job?" as I said "Goodbye! I am off to the bar!" I decide this is a great setup, I'm moving into the basement let's renovate! As it's getting done, I land a (real) job and two weeks later my mom's forced into retirement thanks to the company being as financially retarded as me, but with much more money.

Within a month my dogs did not recognize me as she decided to become their owner, and that's only the beginning:

- My mother has given up leaving the house other than to get first hand accounts from the neighbors on what they are doing at that precise moment.

-My mother has catch phrases that she says every day, at the same points each day. (i.e. Whenever I tell a dog to move out of my way "Talking to them is like talking to nothing!" ummm...what?)

-My mother is a diet HIJACKER. Despite any of the rotting jars of junk in the fridge, all my "Light" foods will disappear after a week in the fridge. Also, this woman will egg, bread, fry and cheese absolutely ANYTHING. I'm pretty sure she might've made twinkie parmigiana once (for the record, she's Polish and German, NOT Italian).

- My mother watches me eat. It's unsettling.

-My mother, who would wear designer clothing, thousands of dollars of jewelry, and have her hair done every month....has decided tshirts, shorts, gray/blonde hair and men's flip flops are in style for retirement.

- My mother can compete with her Jewish counterparts with the guilt thing. Whenever I call her out on anything that is annoying me, her response is "Well, when I'm dead you won't have to deal with it anymore."

-My mother says innapropriate things at family functions now. She's becoming the crazy relative. She told my cousin: "Your daughter looks so old in her new school picture, that outfit made her look like a hooker." The child is EIGHT YEARS OLD.

-My mother does all my laundry (plus!), places it on drying racks throughout my apartment (minus!), then folds it and piles it on every chair, couch, bed, table she can find (MINUS!). Ever bring anyone home unexpectedly and have to explain piles of clothes covering every entertaining surface in the house?

-My mother is very earth friendly, as she will re-use the plastic hangers from department stores to hang my clothes. I can almost live with that, being slightly hippie, and not really a big hanger fan anyway. What I cannot deal with is said hangers being EVERYWHERE. There's a bucket under the stairs full of them. The hangers appear almost everywhere that a pile of clothing would be. And the worst part? Everyone that comes in my apartment knows what size I wear, or don't wear....because you know there are those times you find the *ahem* medium *cough* on the XL hanger! (DON'T LAUGH.)

- My mother, somehow, thought it could, possibly, be, incredibly, appropriate to offer to change the dressing on my boyfriend's post-surgical wounds. Wouldn't be an issue if the surgery wasn't DOWN THERE.

- SHE. NEVER. LEAVES. THE. HOUSE.

Don't get me wrong, we still have our fun times, but I think we could have more fun if I lived across the country sometimes.

My Office - A Written Tour Part I

Working in a poverty-stricken area has it's perks, I must say. Not only do I get to step over garbage and excrement on my way to my office, but sometimes I also get to step over sleeping people. The locals who are not asleep and happen to wander the streets aimlessly, carelessly even (driving at this time is a whole other beast...it's like a human slalom down the main thoroughfare), between 7:00-8:00AM in the morning allow me to escape my typical morning routine and pretend I am starring in George A. Romero's 1978 classic: Dawn of the Dead. These people move way too slow to be in the realm of present day Hollywood's fast-moving re-animators. But I digress, back to my office.

After walking up four filthy stories, I arrive to my cozy office which used to be a storage closet/hub for all the building's wires and technology. The receptacles, outlets, and other wires that I'm sure will create the basis for my eventual demise all hang off the wall. Not one electrical outlet is secured to the wall, and in fact, while on a long weekend the custodial staff decided to just paint over the holes where the screws would go instead of remounting them. Not only is this beaut shaped like an irregular pentagon, which makes it impossible to fit my furniture in correctly (filing cabinets are butted up to two out of four desk drawers), it has QUITE THE VIEW. Remember when Bugs Bunny would run through a door, only to have Elmer Fudd open it seconds later and there was a brick wall? Okay, now get rid of Bugs Bunny, Elmer Fudd and the door and pretend it's the 6 foot window in my office.

Who else gets to clean mouse shit off their desk every morning? One fond memory is the time I left the windows open for the weekend, two sky-rats build a condo on the random faux closet in the room then decimated my whole office, computer keyboard included, with their special kind of bird crap. It was definitely "Shock and Awe" all the way, I'm wondering which one of these f-ckers is Rumsfeld.

Though I could go on and on about my office, I'll save it for my return in September.

Three more hours until a full-blown AWLA event!

Klondikes/Why Am I Awake?

After waking up to my dog, Hunter, sleeping with his business end in my face around an hour ago...I am wide awake. This would almost be fine if it were 24 hours from now, when I'll most likely be at a bar celebrating the end of the school year with A Whole Lotta Alcohol (AWLA, for future reference - isn't that what all education peeps do?)...however in four hours I must begin my morning ritual for the last day of work. So what does one do when awoken in such an uncouthly manner?

Eat a Klondike Bar!

I've rationalized that although throughout the day I monitor my food intake, 2:30 AM is within a magical hour in which these calories do not count. Especially since I was fully expecting to fall right back asleep and forget the Klondike incident. Instead, the sugar rush has me watching HGTV and planning out home renovations, looking up cupcake recipes, status-commenting to everyone I know on Facebook, further annoying my Twitter followers with bursts of wisdom, and scratching my mosquito bites (literal ones, not a euphemism).

Then I created a blog. Welcome.

Did I mention it was a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup flavored Klondike Bar?